Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
