How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
