**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
