so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
