Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
