Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
