I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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