Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
