If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
