I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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