just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
