I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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