Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
