I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
