I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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