If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
