I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
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