good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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