Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
