I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
