I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
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