My room smells like vodka and shame
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
