rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
