But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
