totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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