shes about as inviting as chlamydia
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
