I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
