Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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