we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
