last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
