I just threw up on my dentist
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
