Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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