If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It's shark week go big or go home
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
