So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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