I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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