she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
