Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
