sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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