Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
