New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
