Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
