Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
