I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
