i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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