Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
