Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The beer is more important than you right now.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
