Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Randomize
