If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
