We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
