did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Someone came in the potted fern
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
