He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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