8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
