I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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